Communication is a continuous process. Expressing your needs and solutions is better received when using “”I” messages instead of accusatory messages (which can cause a person to shut-down and not communicate).
Assertiveness, or assertion, is standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways that do not violate another person’s rights.
Assertiveness involves the use of “I” messages, for example: “This is what I think.” “This is what I feel.” “This is how I see the situation.” These types of messages express “who the person is” and are said without dominating, humiliating, or degrading the other person.
“Assertiveness involves respect—not deference. Deference is acting in a subservient manner as though the other person is right or better simply because the other person is older, more powerful, experienced, knowledgeable, or is of a different sex or race. Deference is present when people express themselves in ways that are self-effacing, appeasing, or overly apologetic.” With assertion, one must communicate respect for self and for others.
There are six basic types of assertive messages. With a specific person in mind, write your six assertive messages to her/him.
- I want statements help to clarify to both yourself and others what you really want. For example, “I want you to call when you are going to be late.”
- I feel statements help express your feelings without attacking the other per- son. For example, “I feel embarrassed when you criticize my clothes in front of my friends.”
- Mixed feelings statements name more than one feeling and explain where each is coming from. For example, “I enjoy going out and doing things with you, yet I feel it is unfair that you frequently do not bring enough money and ask me to pay for you.”
- Empathic assertion presents some sensitive understanding about the other person and then expresses how you feel. For example, “I know you said that you are angry and do not want to talk about it. However, I feel we need to talk about it when you feel ready.”
- Confrontive assertion is necessary when there are contradictions such as differences between what a person says and what she or he does. For example, “I know you said you would teach the newer students some of the beginning information as part of your internship, yet you consistently put them off or do not show up for appointments.
- I language assertion is useful for expressing difficult negative feelings. For example, “When you cancel a weekend event with me because you say you are busy working and then I find out you went out with someone else, I feel rejected and humiliated. I need for you to be honest with me about why you do things or it could damage our friendship.”
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